the one with the change of plans

This picture was taken with my cell phone, so not the greatest quality but I caught a pretty cute smile. Her onsie says "Daddy loves me". She is just so cute, fun, and smiley! I am in complete denial to prevent myself from having a complete meltdown because my maternity leave is coming to an end. D-day is June 8th.

Maya and I went to visit her "school" today. Jared and I started calling it "school" because it made it seem like she was going because it is a fun place to play and not for child care. Really it was just to help me deal. Well, "deal" is not something I did well today. Don't get me wrong, the center we had chosen is a perfectly fine place. The teacher is very sweet and cares for the babies, BUT the reality of what group care means for an infant set in for me while we visited. We were probably in the room for about an hour and I watched the caregivers juggle babies; moving them from one device to another, feeding one, putting him down, feeding another, putting her down, moving from swing to bouncy to crib (a term that I have heard called "containerizing babies"). They didn't let the babies cry IF they could get to them. But you have four busy babies, and it is almost impossible to keep them all happy at the same time. If one is getting changed or fed, and another gets upset, they have to wait. I understand that. I worked in a center that provided all-day care for kids, but they were older. Maya is not a baby that can be left in a piece of equipment and be happy for long. She much prefers to be held and interacted with. Please don't misunderstand-they were interacting with the babies, but I just realized how much time has to be divided with four infants. I started crying right there in the center, and then lost it in the car when I called Jared. (Sidenote: I got in trouble for that because I did not clarify that I was okay before calling him bawling. He thought I had been in an accident or something. I made sure to say I was okay first when I called Mom.)

I realized as I sat there that I couldn't do it. I am not saying at all that there is anything wrong with infant group care. Lots of people don't have any other choice. And for some babies and parents, that style of care is perfectly fine. I don't dare judge what is right for others. I only know what is right for us. I am unbelievably lucky that my Mom lives so close, is able to keep her, and can be flexible. Jared's new schedule is going to be somewhat flexible and with a little juggling among the three of us, I think we can do it. Maya was only going to be at the center one day a week anyway and I think we can cover that with some creativity. I am still not happy about going back to work and I still hope that I can find a way to be home with her, but I felt a huge weight lifted when we made this decision. I feel certain that it is right. I went into today with an open mind and knew that I would likely feel hesitant about it, but what I felt was more than hesitant-it felt wrong for us. I knew that I didn't even need to sleep on it.

I have to update on fun stuff! Milestones: So many people have commented on how well she holds her head up for her age. She sits up right and keeps her head up with no support. She rolled tummy to back on Sunday; though she hasn't done it again. She is putting her hands in her mouth a lot! She also really interacted with toys today. She pulled one (sort of accidentally) to her mouth and put it in and mouthed it. She also activated her favorite little sunshine singing toy by squeezing it with her arm to her chest. Granted she was accidentally "pushing" the button, but still.

I am off to enjoy time with my sweet little family!