“They” tell you this, but no one can quite prepare you for how hard it actually is. We had feeding issues and weight gain issues and fussiness early on. Those things were all hard. Making decisions about immunizations and foods and child care and parenting styles are all hard. This week I feel like I have been pushed as a parent more than I ever have been before. Maya has had some major meltdowns and tantrums, and unfortunately (and fortunately, depending on how you look at it) they are all reserved for me. Monday night it was over not wanting to get in the high chair at dinner time and last night it was over not wanting to have clothes on. We are working through it, and I (mostly) know it’s normal. Maya is her mommy all over again, and when I think about putting my personality into a 17 month old, the tantrums and fits really make sense :)
You know I deal with behavior challenges on a daily basis in my job. It is a whole different ball of wax, when it is your child. It is hard to take a step back and look at the situation objectively, emotions removed. I am working on it though. When I step back, I can see that I need to follow the recommendations that I give to teachers and other parents daily; give her warnings, reward positive behavior, use transition objects, have predictable routines, etc, etc. (On a good note, this evening we had a much better time and had no major meltdowns. Yay! We have to celebrate the little victories….)
Today I was an emotional roller coaster. Jared texted me that when he dropped her off at MDO that she cried. I saw those words, and my heart broke a little…..because I know my girl, and I knew that if it started out that way it probably wasn’t going to get better. And I was right, when I called to check on her they said that she was crying. She hadn’t been crying all morning, but she was pretty upset. They said “we aren’t saying that you need to come get her, but sometimes moms choose to do half days to get them used to it”. Yeah, that was all it took for me. I called mom in tears and she went to get my baby. Mom said that she wasn’t crying when she got there (small victories!) She was sitting at the table with paci and elmo. Mom tried to get her to eat a little lunch, but she wasn’t really having it. Mom told me that she had her and she was fine. Big sigh of relief. (I do know how lucky I am to have my Mom so close and available. She is such a blessing to us.) Later I talked to the director and I felt much assured when she told me that she IS consolable when she’s there. (this is much different than my mommy-imagines-the-worst mind came up with) It’s just that she needs a lot of one on one attention. Which makes sense; she has been the center of attention in her world for 17 months now, and at school she’s not. It’s an adjustment. We came up with a plan for her to do half days for awhile to help her get used to it. And they are going to put a “Maya’s helper” in her room also so that she can have some extra one on one attention, while she adjusts. This affirms to me that she is in the right place. I appreciate the extra effort that they go to for kids.
I am constantly fighting this internal battle with myself and beating myself up for being a working mom. I hate the constant tear of feeling like I’m not good at anything. I know I have to get over it. Some weeks are better than others. This one is just not one of the good ones. Every morning this week, I have eaten my breakfast on the floor while reading a book to her. I race all morning long to get ready while Maya pulls on my hand to come with her to play. It kills me. I do the best I can to get ready as fast as I can and then spend some time with her before I have to go. I know that all mom’s have these struggles whether they work or not. I get it.
Doesn’t mean I like it.
I’m not writing this because I want anyone to tell me that I am doing a good job, or anything like that. I’m writing it because it’s how I feel and I my blog is usually about all the great and wonderful things that are motherhood, but I think that it is important to write the real stuff too. The stuff that isn’t so pretty. It helps other moms to know that they aren’t alone….
….so being mama is hard.
