why do they do that????

On more that one occasion I am sure that you have asked yourself (or your child) that question. An older sibling just whacked baby brother over the head. Why? Little girl just colored with crayons all over the wall. Why? Baby drops toy over and over. Why?

Every behavior that you see serves a certain function. The trick is figuring out what it is. And if it is a bothersome behavior, figuring out what you need to teach them to do instead. For example, a child might hit baby brother for a number of reasons 1) because he wanted your attention (and that is a sure way to get it) 2) because he wanted to interact with said baby brother and didn't know how 3) because baby brother was in the way and didn't know how to tell him to move. A lot of times a parent's first reaction is to "discipline" their child for their behavior. It helps if you can stop and think about why your child did something. If you feel that their actions were for attention, you can teach them ways to appropriately ask for attention (i.e. "i need a hug", "sit with me", "read me a book", etc). If their actions, were attempts at communication (wanting to play with another child) you can teach them appropriate ways to ask for that (i.e. taking a ball to the other child, verbally asking to play, etc.)

A lot of times kids do certain behaviors to get out of doing something which is referred to in behavioral terms as escape. For example, all the times getting out of bed at night for a last drink of water, to go the bathroom, to tell you one more thing, etc. are all attempts to escape the non-preferred activity of going to bed. Another one might be throwing a fit when asked to do something they don't want to do like clean their room, put shoes on, put away a favorite toy, etc. What happens when they throw that fit? They are allowed to escape said non-preferred activity. So, now what do you do? The bottom line here is that you have to prevent the escape from occuring after said behavior. It only takes a few times (sometimes only once) for a child to get out of something by throwing a fit before they figure out-"hey this works!" You have to make it so that whatever behavior they are displaying doesn't work for them to get out of doing whatever it is that they don't want to do. So, in the instance with the bedtime situation; you can be sure they have everything they need before they go to bed (water, potty, bedtime story) and then when they get up and start their bag of tricks, you gently but firmly lead them back to bed with very little discussion. You know that all of their needs are met (because you made sure of that before you put them in bed). If you allow them to "do just one more thing", you have taught them that this works to avoid the bedtime routine.

Now, in the situation of the tantrum it gets a bit more tricky. You can't exactly stop the tantrum, but what you can do is wait it out and then as soon as they are done place the same demand that you asked of them in the first place back (i.e. clean the room). This way they may have delayed the task a bit, but they didn't get out of it.

In the case of doing behaviors for attention, there is a different tactic to try. This is what would be called an antecedent (before the behavior) manipulation. If there is a certain behavior that you feel your child is doing to get your attention, then you can make sure that at OTHER times of day that child is getting attention for appropriate behaviors. This is very important-you want to make sure that said attention is not given after the behavior happens-because guess what?? That child has then learned that this inappropriate behavior is a way to gain your attention. Giving your child attention at other times of the day when they are doing things that you WANT them to do, may pre-empt that inappropriate action for attention.

What things are your kiddos doing that you just can't figure out what to do with? Are there things that you want me to post about? Do you have reactions or questions about this post? Leave me a comment or send an email to the link at the top right of my page and I will try to do a post about it. I think this site could be a fun and hopefully helpful way for Moms (and Dads) to share their behavior challenges and solutions.